They know my name
by Kathleen Cleberg
I have always hung around with the kids from my neighborhood. I’ve known Joleen and Lianna all my life. At school our lockers are close together.
Joleen nudged Lianna. “There goes Cari Costanzo with Chad,” she whispered.
We watched Cari slide herself under Chad’s arm.
“She’s just doing that because he’s the homecoming king,” said Lianna.
“We might as well be invisible in this school,” said Joleen.
“Too average,” added Lianna, cramming books in her backpack.
“We’re like the people behind the fence,” I said.
“What fence?” asked Lianna.
“Like in England. We watch the royalty from afar, knowing we can never be one of them.”
“Just once I’d like to be invited to a cool party,” said Lianna. She threw her backpack over one shoulder.
“Invited!” said Joleen. “We don’t even hear about them.”
That was yesterday. Today I was chosen. Cari slipped in beside my locker door instead of under Chad’s arm. Cici came with her.
“Hi, Kathy. Do you want to go to Walt’s Malts with us?”
I could see Lianna and Joleen watching. A giant scissors snipped my ties with them and the old neighborhood, and I was gone. The invisible girl who arrived on the yellow bus climbed into the backseat of a very popular person’s red Jeep that afternoon—and became somebody.
After a lifetime of being a dud, I had a lot to learn about being popular. The next day I met Cari and Cici for lunch. We were in the middle of the cafeteria when Cari stopped and looked at me.
“Tie my shoe,” she said.
“Forget it,” I said. I just laughed. She turned and walked away. Two long terrifying days went by. Cari ignored me. Finally I caught up to her in the hall.
“I’m sorry,” I told her. She walked away.
That night I called her. “How can I make this up to you?” I asked. She hung up.
Monday she came up to me in the cafeteria again. “Tie my shoe, Kathy,” she said. I felt dizzy and relieved. My hands shook as I knelt down in front of her. Behind me some kids started laughing, but I didn’t care. I was forgiven.
A couple of weeks later Mrs. Moore, our science teacher, asked if anyone could name the worst natural disaster to occur in our state. Cici said real loud, “Kathy’s last haircut!”
I felt my face flush as everyone started laughing, but I managed to smile. At least they all knew my name.
Here’s how I see it. I’m finally in the movies. Not a low-budget flick, but a huge Hollywood blockbuster with all the big stars. Getting into the big picture has to be hard or else everyone would be here. The admission price has to be high.
That’s why I don’t mind polishing their nails instead of eating lunch. I know a hundred girls who would love to take my place. When Cari tripped me in the hall, three popular guys helped me up. That felt so great.
Cici sits behind me in math. One day she snipped holes in the blouse I got for my birthday with a fingernail clipper. I felt the snips.
“I hate this orange-brown color,” she said.
I heard her and Cari laughing. I didn’t know how to stop her. Orange is a pretty disgusting color. That night I buried the blouse in my waste basket.
The next day in school I was curling my hair in the bathroom and couldn’t get the left side right. I felt so frustrated I started to cry. Then I heard the bathroom door open and saw in the mirror Joleen and Lianna staring at me.
“Kathy, are you all right?” Joleen asked.
“Are you crying? We heard what Cari said about you.”
“It’s such a lie, Kathy, you always look great!”
“How can you stand her saying things like that?”
I stopped crying and smiled at them. “She was just teasing,” I explained. They were both nice, but in such a childish way, I thought. I felt sorry for them because Cari doesn’t know they exist!
That night my mom found my blouse when she was dumping the waste basket. “Why would anyone do this to you, Kathy?” my mom said, looking more stunned than angry. “This is the shirt your grandmother gave to you. This was a gift! What kind of people act like this?”
So I tried to explain. I told her Cici has a unique sense of humor and Cari has very high standards. I said it’s like an initiation into a sorority or a special club. They were making sure I had what it takes to belong, to be popular.
She just shook her head; she didn’t understand. She reached over and touched my face and sighed. “I’m sorry, honey,” she said. “I don’t get it. I just don’t understand how you can think these girls are your friends.”
My mom blames everything on my friends—nightmares (like I’m the only person in the world who has trouble sleeping), weight loss (I’m still fat!), my grades dropping (who likes brains?). If I came down with some rare form of malaria, she’d blame it on my friends.
“Because they are friends, Mom,” I said a little desperately. “They’re my best friends!”
Aren’t they? I felt the question wash over me as my mom walked away. I started my homework. I had assignments in two subjects. Then Cici called and wanted to go to a movie.
“I’ve got homework,” I said.
“Come on, Kathy,” I heard Cari’s voice on the other line. “We’ll pick you up in 15 minutes.”
I told my mom my homework was done, and I was going to a movie with Cari and Cici. She shook her head.
“Where’s the movie?” she asked.
“In St. Louis Park.”
“Why go so far?”
A horn honked outside and I dashed out. “Cari wants to see it.”
After the movie, Cari, Cici, and I stopped in the bathroom. All the stalls were empty. We each took one. We were talking pretty loud about the guy in the movie.
“Don’t you think he looks like John Bowman?” I asked. No one answered.
“Cici? Cari?”
I opened my stall door. The bathroom was empty. I ran through the lobby and out to the parking lot. They were gone. Cari’s car was gone. This wasn’t funny. They’ll come back. What if they don’t? What if they aren’t my best friends?